Evil People Like To Flirt With Tony
by Mistress Titania
Summary: Evil people enjoying flirting with Tony Stark, he doesn't like it. Except the one time he does. Response to an AvengerKink prompt. Warning, silly het & slash flirting attempts.


Warnings: spelling errors because I'm working without a spell/grammar check. CRACK! (I'm hoping good crack but still crack). Also, I've read so many fics where Loki is one of Tony's parents it is head canon now. There I think that is all my excuses for the following fic. Multi-crossovers, along with het & slash too.

* * *

><p>1. Justin Hammer (Iron Man 2)<p>

"Look, it is my good friend, Tony Stark! How are you this evening?" slurred a slightly drunk Justin Hammer as he threw his arm around Tony.

"Justin, it is terrific as always to see you," growled Tony while trying to dislodge the arm.

"We should have a merger."

"No, I think the companies are doing just fine the way they are."

"I wasn't talking about the companies," spoke Justin as he leaned into Tony wiggling his eyebrows.

Tony stared at him in horror while also trying to keep his dinner down.

"Sir, , there is an emergancy call in your office."

"Thank you, Natalie. Sorry, Justin, must run. But enjoy the party," quickly Tony slipped away with Natalie/Natasha at his heels. "Thanks for the save."

"No problem. I got a picture first. I can't wait to show Clint."

* * *

><p>2. Harold Saxon, aka The Master (Doctor Who)<p>

Tony hated these boring stuffy fundraiser events at the White House. He would much rather just write a check and be done.

"Are you an alien? Because you abducted my heart. Really, it is only fair that I abduct your body in exchange," giggled Harold Saxon while placing his hand on Tony's low back.

"Prime Minister Saxon, are you feeling okay?" Tony tried to remain calm about having a drunk married male world leader hitting on him.

"I'm feeling great but you feel even better." And with that Harold Saxon, aka The Master, squeezed Tony's ass and left his hand there.

"SIR! Your married," squeaked out Tony.

"She doesn't mind. Would you like her to join us?"

", sir, I need to debrief you on that weapons testing from this afternoon," a ninja like appearing Agent Coulson showed himself.

"Agent Coulson, of course! I would be more than happy too," for once Tony Stark was happy with Agent Coulson's strict debriefing behavior.

"Mmm, I'd like to debrief you, Tony," whispered The Master in Tony's ear. "Shoo, go away, Agent Whatever, he'll talk with you later. Busy now."

"I'm sorry, sir. But I need right now."

"Do you know who I am?"

"Yes, sir, I do."

"I do not think you really do," Harold, aka The Master, paused long enough to give the Agent a hard look.

"No, sir, I do. And if you don't want me making a certain phone call to a certain Doctor a few months early then I suggest you let me leave with right now. I care more about my team, even Stark, than some dumb fight between exes. Or I could skip him and just call the female doctor."

The Master quickly let go of Tony's ass while going very pale.

"Glad you understand. Have a good evening, sir." Agent Coulson quickly shuffled Tony Stark out of the room.

"Coulson, what was that about?"

"Your security isn't high enough."

* * *

><p>3. Marnie Stonebrook (True Blood)<p>

", your last appointment of the day, a is here."

"Thanks, Pepper, just send her in."

Tony really just wanted to go back to the mansion to finish the latest upgrade on his suit. And maybe beat Steve in a game or two of pool.

A slightly plain older woman entered his office and gave him a look. It was a look that made Tony want to go jump in a shower right away.

"How can I help you, ma'am?"

"You give me your company and I don't hurt you. Or you have sex with me for a week straight and I'll let you keep 49% of the company. You are one sexy piece of man . You put a Viking I know to shame."

"EXCUSE ME?"

"Oh, you are not excused for driving me wild with your hotness. I'll give you until sundown tomorrow before I stage a very hostile takeover. Although I might still keep you as a pet."

Tony stared at the crazy woman. But in the moment it took him to blink the woman was gone. Instead there was a tiny wolf cub sitting in the chair.

"I told you to stay away from him!" growled Loki who grabbed the cub by the neck before vanishing.

Tony just blinked.

"I am either drinking too much or not enough for this."

* * *

><p>4. Crowley (Supernatural)<p>

Tony smiled bitter sweetly while watching Steve and Pepper dance at yet another stuffy fundraising dinner. He took another mouthful of alcohol, enjoying the burning sensation.

"I could make that happen. You could have him or her or even both. It would not be much work on my part. And you'd just have to give me one small favor in return," spoke a smooth British voice from behind Tony.

"Excuse me?" Turning around Tony saw a man that he knows wasn't not at the party earlier. Nor was he on the guest list. Tony actually made the guest list himself this time just to show he was capable. "Who are you? How did you get in here?"

"My name is Crowley. I'm a broker of sorts, I'm into making deals that bring people their hearts desires at just a tiny cost of something they won't miss anyway. And as to how I got in, well, I guess you could say it was magic. Now, how about it? Interested in learning how to get your own desires? For such a lovely piece of humanity I'd be willing to make you a really good deal," spoke Crowley, his eyes sweeping over Tony's body. Once again, Tony was faced with a person who made him feel the strong urge to go shower. "Really, Stark, between that body and your mind, I want to use some of the horrible pick-up lines that Dean is always trying in bars."

"Um, thanks?" And Tony was trying to think how to quickly get away from this man and grab security.

"Are those wings?" asked Crowley rubbing his hand over Tony's back. "Nope, just shoulder blades. I thought for a second you were an angel here visiting Earth." The man could barely keep a straight face.

Tony shuddered feeling so unclean from the single touch.

"Crowley! Back-off right now! Before I turn you back into atoms and spread them across the multi-verses," growled Loki appearing in full armor.

"Whoa! Loki, calm down. I was just having a nice little chat with Tony. How was I supposed to know you had a claim already on him? He is a pretty thing and you know I love pretty things," quickly Crowley had started to back-up from Tony anyway.

Loki just growled and made his spear appear. Whimpering softly Crowley looked back and forth between Tony and Loki. After a few seconds the poor demon got very very pale.

"Oh, oh, I see! So sorry, really, sorry! I swear I had no idea old chum. I'm leaving now, I promise. I won't mess with anyone around him either. I'll stick with the Winchesters. Again, really, sorry!" And in a flash Crowley, the King of the Crossroads, was running away like a scared little child.

"Tony, please do be more careful in the future. And try to settle soon. I want grandkids before you get yourself killed with my stupid brother!" With that statement Loki vanished too.

"Maybe, I'm drinking too much after all," whimpered Tony.

A second later in Kanasas….

Crowley quickly reappeared in Bobby's kitchen grabbing the nearest bottle of alcohol right out of Dean's hand and started chugging it. The poor little demon's hands were shaking. The Winchesters, Bobby and Castiel all looked at the demon worried. If something could scare a demon that badly it probably wasn't good news for them.

"Never, NEVER, flirt with the son of a Norse God, especially the REAL Loki's son. Not unless you are planning to marry him."

Castiel nodded at the surprisingly good advice from a demon.

* * *

><p>5. Deadpool (Marvel)<p>

(The 13th Step is a bad joke about someone with a lot of sober time having sex with a person who is new to soberiety. And a newcomer is typically anyone with less than 30 days sober.)

"Hey there, I noticed you introduced yourself as a newcomer. That's great! My name is June," a tiny woman with low-cut top and a large chest slinked up next to Tony.

"Oh, yeah, nice to meet you. I'm, um, To-Tommy. I'm Tommy. Not really sure if I belong here but a few friends, okay, everyone I know, suggested I might just go to a few meetings and see. Plus a lot of weird stuff has been happening lately and I'm not sure if it is from my drinking or not."

"That's sweet but we don't pressure you here. However, I'd be more than happy to work a 13th step with you. We could do step work all night long," spoke June while attempting to casually rub her breasts against his arm while making it look like she was just reaching to throw her cigarette into the garbage can.

"Excuse me, June, but your sponsor wants a word with you, NOW!" growled a male voice behind them.

The woman pouted for a moment before stomping off. That left a slightly confused but relieved Tony behind. He turned around to face his rescuer.

"Thanks for that. I'm not really sure what that was about but I got the feeling it wasn't something I really wanted to do."

"Not a problem. I'm Wade by the way. And June likes any fresh meat that steps thru the doors. Especially ones that look as tasty as you do," spoke a man who looked a lot like that actor, Ryan something. ", you don't need to make-up a name in the future. We take the secret thing very seriously, Man, sir. Like we'd ever do something to stop such a yummy sexy thing from coming to a meeting. The eye candy, mmmm. That ass and that goatee. Don't normally do facial hair but I'd do him."

"Uh, thanks, I think."

"Oh, was that out loud again?" asked Wade, also known as Deadpool in the mercenary world.

Tony was saved from having to answer by Steve pulling-up on his motorcycle.

"Oh, I see how it is too adorable. It is like fanfiction come to life! The epic hurt/comfort stories to come from Steve picking you up from an AA meeting is just not something I would dare mess with. I don't want the rabid fangirls after me. Well, if the good Captain and you ever want a threesome give ol'Deadpool a call! I'd be there in a flash," with that Wade, aka Deadpool, vanished using ninja skills.

Whimpering softly Tony fled and jumped on to the back of Steve's bike.

"Just drive, please, don't ask any questions."

* * *

><p>+1. Melody Pond (Doctor Who, shortly after the last scene in 'The Wedding of River Song')<p>

"Sure, I'd love to go dancing with you. No, I don't have anything against archaeologists," smiled Tony glad for once he liked the person hitting on him.

"NO! No, bloody hell no! NO! I talked with Jack, I know what dancing is. NO! I am not letting my daughter get involved with America's playboy. No, you are in a vunerable place after losing your husband. NO! Amy, help me out here! Tell our daughter she is grounded in her prison cell for the next 10 years! I deserve some break after saving the Universe so many times!" ranted Rory Williams.

"But Dad, that's no fair! You never let me have any fun."

Amy was to busy staring at Agent Coulson with wonder to be much of a help to her husband.

"Tony, I do not think this is the best match for you, my friend. Obviously these people are clinicly insane," whispered Steve Rogers.

"Oi! Shut-up Captain Flagman! At least I've managed to actually punch Hitler in the face and hold him at gun point. You only hit actors dressed like him! And so what if you were frozen for 70yrs! I had to wait 2000 years protecting my wife's body in a box while waiting for the Universe to reboot. All while dressed like a bloody Roman solider. SO SHUT UP! I am not crazy and if I am it is because that man made me!"

"What man?" asked Clint highly amused.

"The Doctor who else!"

"Oh, yeah that would do it." Both Clint and Natasha nodded.

"Rory, it's him! It's really him!" squealed Amy in delight.

"Who is he again?"

"The one Canton talked about when he was drunk! Sir, will you give us your autograph?"

Agent Coulson proceeded to blush for the first time in his life. Rory turned to stare at Coulson with his mouth open.

"Oh, wow! It is a giant honor sir! This is amazing!" Rory quickly shook his head. "Wait, we are supposed to focus on keeping Melody/River away from the stupid rich playboy!"

"He is a rich genius playboy."

"I said shut-up Flag Dude!"

"My name is Captain America! And there is no way you really punched Hitler or held him at gun point! You are too young."

"I did so! I have video and stop trying to distract me! It is your stupid friend trying to put the moves on my innocent little girl."

Amy heard this and started laughing.

"Rory, it's okay!"

"NO IT IS NOT!"

"Dad, yes, it really is. I only wanted to see if I could try a new formula of lipstick on him. It worked. And it wasn't even in the top five kisses I've ever had."

Everyone turned around to see Tony Stark laying on the ground unable to move.

"Oh, okay then. Can we go home now? I have to be at the hospital early."

"Are you a doctor?" asked Natasha looking him over.

"No, a nurse."

Clint Barton couldn't help but snicker. It was the last thing he remembers doing as mother & daughter punched him together.


End file.
